Finding Balance – Connecting and Setting Boundaries around Difficult Conversations

By Jaime Glazerman

For many of us, a major Jewish holiday, simcha or other family gathering can conjure both excitement and dread. We can relate to the time-tested comedy tropes of guilt, conflict and weak boundaries we see in the media, because we have experienced them to some extent ourselves. Anxiety about being around difficult relatives or being pulled into the conflict of others can dull the joy of the day. Our fear of judgment about how we do (or do not) celebrate can make us hide who we really are or what we really want. This may put us in a negative headspace before the event even starts or lead us to avoid it altogether and choose to not celebrate or to do so alone.  

What is it about these gatherings that make them so hard? It can be one of the rare times the family is gathered together, which brews the potent combination of pressure to enjoy every minute with diverse personalities and expectations. Being around friends and family can remind us of the happy memories of childhood, but it also can dredge up memories of conflict, trauma and loss. Mix these with differing values, opinions and levels of Jewish observance, and you have a recipe for a stressful day indeed. Judaism revolves around a calendar of holidays and life cycle events; no wonder there is so much pressure to get it right! With this resource, we hope to help you “plan your menu” of boundaries, strategies and expectations, so you can make your next gathering go more smoothly and, hopefully, bring more joy to the day.

• Why are they so stressful?
  • Conflicting values: Being a Jew in the 21st century is hard. Most of us lead some sort of assimilated lifestyle, where our Jewishness is not the only thing that defines us. We live in a constant give and take with modern secular life that likely does not “fit” with Jewish values and culture. Most secular school and work calendars do not account for Jewish holidays, so we must take time off to celebrate them. Peers and superiors in jobs, clubs and sports may disagree with our choice to prioritize observance. Our choices may or may not mirror how we grew up, and we likely will face judgment from many sides about the choices we make.

• Interfaith families: They are more common than ever. It can be hard to bring together members of different religions who do not value or celebrate the same occasions we do. In addition, many holidays of different faiths overlap each other on the calendar, competing for our time, travel and energy.

• Family Dynamics
  • An increasing number of Jewish families today do not conform to the traditional image of the “nuclear” family with two parents and 2.5 children. Instead, we see single-parent families, blended families, same-sex couples and adopted families. Members can come from different ethnic, racial or geographic backgrounds or have political differences.
  • Divorce can amplify already stressful dynamics and make it harder to spend quality time with extended families.
  • Intergenerational disagreement: Some people experience pressure from extended family who may practice Judaism differently than we do. We can butt heads over kashrut, driving and other aspects of observance. We also can feel vulnerable to criticism about finances, housekeeping and other domestic tasks and child rearing. In addition, family gatherings provide a stage where we can debate and disagree on politics, events in Israel and other parts of the world and current events.  

• Emotional impact: If you combine all the above dynamics to the already existing pressure of executing the celebration, getting together with extended family can be incredibly stressful and worth avoiding for many!
  • Mechanics of stress, particularly with family: When we are physically and emotionally stressed, we tend to be more reactive and have less bandwidth to think things through logically. We also fall more easily into the old practiced patterns of thinking and feeling with our family (good and bad). Those patterns are neurologically more well-worn, so we fall back on them when we are stressed and around the same people.
  • Poor communication: We may not have grown up with effective communication or have a long history of practicing it ourselves, so when we all get together, older patterns that are less productive prevail.

The Torah states that anyone building a new home must “make a fence on your roof” (Deut. 22:8). This demand for the purposeful creation of literal boundaries to ensure the physical safety of home occupants and guests can serve as a model for how we approach constructing boundaries and social spaces more broadly. As we plan for a large family gathering – counting heads, getting place settings together, setting tables, etc. – we should also make a plan to make our get-togethers as emotionally safe as possible. Most of us are naturally oriented to cater to our own needs, setting up boundaries and structures that will keep us safe from anticipated conflict or stress. We need these; it does not make sense to invite toxic dynamics into a celebration. We should also think about what our guests (yes, even the annoying ones) might need in order to feel safe. If we were being welcomed into someone’s home, we hope they would make the effort to learn about the sensitivities we have and adjust accordingly. When setting boundaries, keep the following strategies in mind:

• Setting a boundary is the process of communicating what will and will not be OK in your relationship. When communicating this, try to make your expectations clear. Use “I” statements, and state things in a behavioral way. For example, stating “I would like our conversations about the food I choose to be positive and nonjudgmental.” Make sure the boundaries you set are realistic and achievable. Be willing to follow your own rules.
  • Rigid vs. flexible: Some boundaries are hard lines that cannot be crossed without consequence, while others can be more general guidelines. When establishing boundaries, make sure to communicate your priorities clearly. Choose which issues are nonstarters for you, e.g., “We will not discuss my divorce today,” “Please do not bring alcohol,” “I know you are disappointed at the way I keep kosher. Would you be willing to try and eat what you feel comfortable with?” 
  • Emotional, interpersonal, behavioral: Keep these dynamics in mind when creating your “safe-space” agreement. What might lead someone to feel uncomfortable or unsafe? How are you setting up your physical space? What rituals are planned, and how will they be practiced? Who is and is not participating in the planned events? Keep in mind things like language used in rituals, gender dynamics and expectations “in my house, we all pitch in and clean up, and then we sit and relax once the work is done.”
  • Making a plan: Do not wait until your guests walk in the door to set your expectations; this goes for yourself as well. Remember, we tend to be more emotional and reactive if we are anticipating conflict, so a conversation, phone call, email or text beforehand gives everyone time to process, prepare and agree to the boundaries before attending. Be open to feedback (whether or not it changes anything) and hearing the needs and boundaries of guests as well. Think about what might help set the tone for your meal, how you would like to welcome everyone and what might be helpful to do in advance. Discuss what to do if a boundary is crossed. How would we know? What would we say to each other? What are the consequences/changes we would make if that happens?